Unspoken
by Sideris
Summary: Bits and pieces, nothing more. Thoughts, moments, exchanges. These are Rei.
1. Amends

**Disclaimer**: This is a work of fan fiction. The author does not own anything concerning Gainax's IP Neon Genesis Evangelion. The company gives the word and this comes down.

* * *

Amends

The room was much like it was last time—broken, drafty. Pregnant with the stolen memories of others. This only the second time Rei walked through the shattered Pribnow Box. Her memories lie in the cavernous Awakening Chamber outside. The floor reeled in recollection. The draft summoned up the sharp tang of chemical propellants. Sudden numbness in her chest, pressure in the cheeks, tears pulled from the eyes with pulled gees.

She sighed, brow furrowed up as she gazed upon Unit-00, broken and trapped. Cool breeze tainted with Bakelite. Standing there on the precipice a wild urge claimed her, begged her to jump.

_Do it,_ came the papery voice.

She shook her head, "No."

_Please. _

Please. As if a will to assent exists.

She stared at the great mono-eye of the beast, shining in red, its head plastered to the wall in agony. Flashes of electric pain, commanding respect, run through her. She itches at her raw arm cradled in its parasitic cast.

Rei reaches out with the good hand, letting fingers spill into the chilly wind coming from nowhere. Slowly, with her eyes firmly on Unit-00, she lets her hand slide through the air like a leaf on the wind, light and chaotic. A gentle lift, the slow fall.

Everything is like liquid, she thinks. This caress entreats to mend the pain on both sides.

Some shadow of promise boils behind that singular eye. Flash bulb in the mind, followed by the image of a tiny body, curled up against itself, shivering, weeping. Her little neck roped with ugly yellowed bruises.

_Are you mad?_

"I am not." The words scream in such profound silence. Papers flutter in fits and starts. Rei calms the prickling of her skin. The little voice of Reflection so bereft of feeling. Is this how the world sees me, she wonders.

_I hurt you. You frightened me. This place…is not whole. Not real. When I woke…_

"You've been alone a long time."

_I can't wake up. The old ha—…old lady—_

Choking hands. Cloying smoke. A painted, twisted face.

"Hag. You were correct in your first assertion."

A teary smile burst on Reflection's face, sitting up and smoothing the hem of her worn green skirt. The little one's head hung ever so slightly at a wrong angle. Bowing her head, shoulders shaking with undeniable mirth, the little mirror of Rei Ayanami held out a hand. The light in her eyes as she jerked her head up was unmistakable.

_I am grateful…that you are not upset. _

"It is…" she knows not what to say. "You were the first. Of me. Of us. You have many sisters in a deep, dark place."

_They are not us. Just flesh, reflections. But that is meaningless. I accept you, Little Mother. Me. We cannot fight ourselves._

"We are replaceable. We—_I_ go on. That's…why I did not fear you."

_I know. _

Rei's hand dances through the air, still soothing her likeness' pain, its Unit's pain. She imagines brushing that soaked blue hair away from fragile brow. It is…painful to see herself.

There was no childhood for Rei, not…in her current skin. All of that is wrapped in steel, and flesh, and wire, and anger, and buried so deep inside.

The taste of reconciliation is joyous and inwardly pleasing. But the lost childhood sitting before her, smiling so sadly, is bittersweet. Her little reflection's proffered hand goes ignored. Time flits by on the air, Little One's arm lowers, curious.

_What is wrong?_

Rei's caress never pauses.

"Soon," she promises, knowing that all will end in time to come.

"Soon."

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A/N: So, Rei drabbles. Mulled it over for a week now. Now I'm doing them. Fun! The first one was a disgrace. Terribly samey to _everything_ written about Rei since the fandom began. Mashadar was kind enough to point this out as well and help with this ending line! So…here it is. And I'm much happier for it. Hope you all are too.


	2. Aimless

Aimless

No one cared where she went. This lesson was learned early in life. The whole of NERV, the benign facsimile Geo-Front, even the sprawl of Tokyo-03 and Old Hakone were her playground if she wished it. She did not. Rei Ayanami found no reason to venture beyond the beaten path given to her.

Given_. _

That irony was never lost on her. Here, a well-trodden path through the city, life, and personal interactions. Enjoy! Gifted to her like some broken thing, a leg-up to offset the difficulties of existence. What reason should she have to expand beyond these confines?

_I am alive; I am alive._

There are still days when the slivers of bitterness well up inside, staking claims behind passive emotion and burning between the tendons of her hands, curled round the cover of a book. She did not enjoy these thoughts: they reek of inconstancy. They greet her out-of-the-blue like old friends on the street.

The anger subsided in time, curdling her borrowed soul. She stuffed it down inside of her until it simply transmuted to acceptance. She ceased moving inside like the rest of the world.

Once, Rei approached people. Ages ago, if one traced back through the fog she lived life, one would see people transmute from faceless shadows back to flesh and blood and potential. Once, she had spoken to a person to attempt connection. Twice, maybe.

The first attempt ended poorly.

_Then, what is this mouth for?_

Idle feet take her somewhere. Somewhere is here. This shaded park.

Looking up, she inhales stale ozone-laden air. Overcast sky. One of the first chills she's felt in years runs through her. Rain coming, the clouds hammered with rusted patina. A peel of thunder. Sitting on the weathered slats of a nearby bench, she looked toward the clumps of people drifting along the sidewalk.

People like these carry only certainty, she mused. You could taste it; these people walked along with the surety of the cement beneath their feet and the direction of home. She took a moment to walk slowly around in their shoes. They knew where they were going, what typically waited at home, what life expected of them.

The raindrop hitting her palm felt like nothing. Dull sensation motivated motor impulses of the brain. But it went further down the rabbit hole than that. If only these people knew she was hardly like them. If only they saw what she saw.

If only she felt the capacity to care and answer their nonexistent questions.

_Then, why contemplate your lot when you already know your answer?_

Another drop of water became multitudes became sleets of red rain. She was torn between leaving or staying. The color was blinding, disgusting, and the scent putrid. But standing out there, letting the rain weigh down her clothes, slicking through the cloth to cool against her skin was a marvelous indulgence.

People rush, rush to get home. Cold sheets of water run off the tips of her fingers. Angry red ribbons of memory ran down her legs and pooled in the soles of her shoes.

She will remember this, but not by choice. Choice has no place in her worldview. What happened back _then_ was given, not _taken. _To live one's life was to choose. To be cognizant of one's own will.

_What is that? To exercise will over one's seeds of thought?_

She will never know.

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A/N: This one was a royal pain to write. More pseudo-philosophical Rei fun, though! Aid from the ever helpful Mashadar steered me back onto the right road time after time, draft after draft. Many thanks, my friend. Enjoy.


	3. Anoxia

Anoxia

I'm dying.

Dying. Strange word. Do people really die?

Why am I not scared? The Director will not be pleased. Upset, even. His little girl, gone. He will be frightened. I see it already. He will no longer hold my hand. Will he miss its presence?

Face burning, bloating. I feel nothing else. Why are my hands trembling against the cold steel I lay upon? Wrenching like skewered fish.

_Rest. _

It's so dark. I barely hear the scream when the doctor jumps, realizing she's strangled a four-year-old child. All I see are feet launching over the rail, kicking madly. A shortstop scream, meaty thud, blissful silence. Hard redness narrows vision. Akagi had been proud only moments ago.

This awful wheezing rattle can only be mine. Shallow like the natatorium waters.

_Rest. _

Can't feel anything. He's standing here over me, the Director. Stolid. He is...devoid of all emotion. No regret, no fears, but something inscrutable in his eyes. Fuyutski looks sad, a counterpoint. Is this for me? Silent wraiths. They've not even gone to look after the other. The Director kneels next to me, smoothing the cloth of his pant leg. Brushes hair from blinded eyes. The feeling barely registers on these blued cheeks.

"It all returns to nothing," he mutters. Fuyutski whispers something unheard. The Director's fingers still, withdraw unnoticed.

_Rest._

Fading. Fading. The wheezing is unbearably loud, desperate. Nothing hurts now. My chest is tight. Let go. Let go, they say.

Let go.

Let...go...

L...e...t...g...o...

L...

e...

t...

g...

o...

…

…I am afraid. Everything hurts.

...

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A/N: Insert weak excuses for characterization and downers here! Let's be honest, folks. The death was canon. Praise be to Mashadar, for she hath pre-read this dross. Enjoy!


	4. Appearances

Appearances

Rei wants to rest. She knows not why they are testing today. The Entry Plug looks worn, the paint chipped and peeling around the bearings and umbilical coupling. This old and restless child, its passive face, a dull look of quiescent solidarity, she thinks.

Electricity hums in the Plug, prickling her skin in a wave of translucent gooseflesh under the neoprene. A lingering wariness of the Little One inside of Zero. Always can her presence be felt when in proximity to the Eva. What did she-what did _Rei_-feel in those final moments to create this fear?

Her neck itches.

"Rei."

Without thinking, slim feet make the leap from the Entry Plug's scaffold to the gantry and suddenly the Commander is before her and his face is odd. Hers twists oddly back. Her stolid eyes dip to the white gloves sheathing his scarred hands and wonder what the pain was like, then they craned up wide and pleasant. It is how he requires her on these days. Mastered composure, this bizarre smile, no smooth features.

"How are you feeling?"

"I am quite well. I have been able to return to school."

"And how is that coming along? No troubles, I trust?"

"None," Rei says, hand raised in a shy gesture, "it is fine enough."

The way his eyes crinkle and the way his smile widens each time she replies confused her. For whatever reason, he acted as if she were suddenly gone. Gone and he is alone, talking with some lost memory. A partition of diffidence hid the secret away. No apprehension must be shown. She feels odd. Slow, somehow.

_The Little One is watching, _she thinks disconnectedly.

"-ope everything is going well enough, Rei. Would you care for lunch after the test?" the Commander's eyes drop to study her frozen hand hovering under her chin. At first it was innocuous enough, but the way his eyes lingered for a second too long, almost confused. Like stumbling upon a moment you thought you'd only dreamed once now made real. Rei's expression never faltered.

"That would be pleasant, yes."

"Very good. You've come along well, Rei."

"Yes, sir."

Nodding, he stares again at the way she holds that hand up, her posture. Haunted eyes. That gracile slowness threaded mercurial fingers inside her again. There were prodigies enough to fuel unease. An uncomfortable minute passes before the reverie broke and the Commander strode past her and up the gantry. The forced smile and chipper tones bled away like autumn.

Rei glances over at Unit-00 and sighs, letting the familiar neutrality frame her face.

_Hate __**him**__, _the Little One whispers, _hatehimhatehimhatehim! Left us there on that cold, cold floor. Thief!_

A sudden, terrible winter engulfed her like a maw. Reaching out from the Eva and coalescing around her like some greased nimbus.

_Make it _stop.

"...We have no choice. Calm down. ...Calm down."

She stared at her hands and tried to discern the secrets therein. The same conclusion as always: just hands, just tripe. Just hands. It was a matter of decorum.

Just someone else's hands. Not her own.

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A/N: My take on the infamous and really weird scene between Gendo and Rei fairly early in the anime right before Ramiel. They moved it, I believe, to a later point in 2.22 in the Rebuild. They're both acting really weird and mostly out of character when Shinji observes them from all the later data. So this is my take. And as always, many thanks to Mashadar for pre-reading. Enjoy! More Rei drabbles to come.


	5. Atypical

Atypical

Back at school, back in her chafing, composite chair looking out at scudding clouds, pregnant red, the rain flicking incessantly on the glass. Sheeting down as pale and thin as serum. Long yellow panes of light broke the clouds above the mountains.

Homeroom had a cool hospital-like scent to it seeping out of the long wall air conditioning unit. It was a smell that comforted her. The sun indecisive. The reflection towers five hundred foot tall blank-faced totems in the rain. Their shadows would be like a hand trying to cup the school in its palm right now.

Quiet cliques of girls carrying the fire of secret gossips that matter to no one and are timeless: what new lipstick (_yanki_ whore) Mima wore, why the Class Representative pined for the dumb jock, if Keiko was still sleeping with her tutor after class, who was the biggest stuck-up bitch: Ayanami or Kirishima, the cattle auction comparing boyfriends and girlfriends, until the current of giggles spilled into oh-my-god-I-know laughter.

"Does any of that matter?" Rei asked, regarding the gaggle.

Eyes like boatlights in a fog, dim and distant, stared back before lighting in prison-break surprise. A graceful, embarrassed blanch from the one nearest with the short, woven braid and black ribbon. Class 2-A's errant philosopher, Yamato Aki, positing the question of biggest bitch. Yes, Shame-In-Eyes, you.

"It's just idle talk, Ayanami."she said.

"No, the 'biggest bitch'. Does it matter?" Rei replied.

A long and wary look passed between Aki's cohorts, sitting atop their desks, caught in conspiratorial cants. One mousy young lady dismisses herself and goes back to her desk in the far corner of the room, and dived headlong into becoming a minuscule mote of dust.

"Does it?" Rei pressed, looking back to the small rain outside and the low sky.

"Well, it's kinda true..." a little voice spoke up famong the bystanders.

"How?" Rei said, looking at her severe features only in reflection. Maejima.

"You're so anti-social and you-you don't...uh," she sputtered. "Are you even listening?"

"I am. Go on. I am curious as to why I am, as you say, a bitch for not participating in speculation." Her voice never rose above soft monotone, causing all her accusers to put the ambient classroom bustle through a strainer to parse words.

"Look at yourself in that mirror, you'll see it there. All of it. In the wind all the time and you don't talk to anyone. What the hell makes your life so bad? You don't eat with anyone. When the bell rings you're the first one out the door. You're a _ghost_, Ayanami. And we ain't talking a lack of melanin." Yamato's transparent doppelganger segued in, waving down rallying specters on the periphery of the mirror's refracted light.

"I am a ghost." Rei said, turning back to them and feeling very, very tired all of a sudden. "But why does it matter?"

"It-what? It just _does_. All these damned questions!"

"That you've not answered."

Before Aki's flushing, darkening features could articulate a reply, a smoothly interjected point: "Is there some thing _wrong_ here, Yamato?" Class representative Horaki had slid up like a child's whisper, sly eyes wide and curious, hands clasped behind her back. Rei watched the theatrics play out from her seat, turned to the window, and watched it play out with mannerisms reversed, person's details swapping, explanations, the grudging acceptance of terms.

"Ayanami? You all right?"

Rei looked up at her and wondered what her opinion on the biggest bitch was. Nothing on her face offered that fact up. "I am well."

"Seriously, you'll have to forgive Yamato's rather large mouth. She's as bad as Suzuhara sometimes." Horaki's nervous hands (clammy hands, Rei observed) smoothed out the folds of her skirt. Her fingernails were dull, the thumbnails cropped short nervous grooves. "I've never seen anyone beat back bullying with a line of questioning."

"Yes."

"Um, it could have been worse?" She looked over Rei's head at the rain outside. "Nasty out today." Buckets of water splattered against the window in shredding gusts, and it was loud enough to drone throughout the halls like a distant stampede.

"It will be worse." Rei turned and looked out over the churning court. Grackles cowering under the eaves. Short whooping calls. The gutters overflowing with candied sheets of red water.

"My dad said it used to be freshwater all the time." Rei blinked and noticed Horaki still standing her respectable distance away, looking out with her. Strange. "The streets didn't look like a slaughterhouse all the time after a storm. We don't see much freshwater rain now. It's...weird. I always feel like I'm missing out on something during a rainstorm."

Rei nodded at the class representative's streaked reflection and her strange admittance. Considered the statement with a double-barrel sigh.

"Oh, I'll, uh, leave you alone, Rei. I'm sorry...just thinking aloud. I'm glad everything turned out well enough."

Rei watched her reflection fade away like favored dream.

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A/N: I dunno, it's pretty much there in the title. An 'off' day for all involved, especially Rei. Let that be my excuse for odd characterization and Aki's sane return

Fun fact for anyone who didn't know,_ yanki_ is a term for delinquent teens in Japan. The ones who dress real wild, bleach their hair and load the makeup on from middle school on up. Gaijin Smash will break your mind. The more (horrific things) you know.

Also, kids are dicks. But hey, who didn't have to catch flak in school?


	6. Analyze

Analysis

Same classroom, same doldrums. The end of White Day, time for gifts and general awkwardness.

Rei never understood the politics of human interaction. The give-and-take mentality that governed everyone, from infants to the elderly. One-to-one interactions were small plays, and always played to win. In some ways, it was like watching microcosms of the predatory world. Other times like watching some strange, prosey enigma that made as much sense as herself.

Even gift-giving bereft of the cherished patina older books talk about-warmth. Usually.

Rei sat in back of the class today, studiously avoiding the three-ring social circus up front. She had given no chocolate out last month. Not one gilded chocolate ducat. As much as she nurtured the possibility of perhaps talking again with her peers, she wanted none of this attention. So, she watched.

Watched colonies of white chocolate line up on the desks of compassionate girls like Representative Horaki.

Pierced the obligated viselike smiles multiplying all around. A certain lack of esprit in these normally vibrant people.

Saw Aida Kensuke dandy his time away at his kiosk, never looking up once, his camcorder slumbering ignored in its nest of nylon, zippers, and straps. Distraction through electronics.

Watched Yamato Aki stare at the back of Kawada Shogo's head with naked longing and something dangerously approaching upset at the distinct lack of Shogo-choco on her desk. There had been honmei laid out on his desk Valentine's Day. No gifts, not even well-wishing graced her's.

Followed Suzuhara's stare to Horaki's white-choco mountain and saw the curious shock there.

Inspected Nanahara and Nakagawa sitting beside one another, talking in low voices, only the little finger of his right hand and her left hand linked together between their desks.

Perceived Yamato's envious looks at such open displays of affection.

Observed Maejima tear into a proudly offensive-to-the-eyes Sanrio giftbag and pull out a small silvery chain penduluming a heavy heart-shaped locket. Rei heard the soft 'oohs' and jealous rumbling from other girls all around the room. Saw the instant constellation of girls appear as if by 'ooh shiny!' magic. Seto Kenichi's face turned an interesting plum shade when Maejima vaulted into him full-glomp.

Noticed a few disgusted males weasel out the door in ones and twos. One boy three-pointed his small parcel of white-choco, simply shaking his head dejectedly.

Watched Kirishima Mana coo over a typical fluffy white 'please-go-out-with-me' bear. She gave heartfelt thanks to Sho, standing there like a totem, and favored him a gentle smile that cut out pretense. He left.

Tracked Aida as he shoveled things into his bag, carefully plucking out a small blue package before closing the flap. Placed it quietly on Yamato's desk on his way out.

Watched the distant look on Yamato's face take the tram back to reality, stop at the corner of befuddlement. Those charcoal black eyes inscrutable. A moment later, reflected glossy overhead light, suddenly shining. Blink blink. Small smile. She sat there a long time. Wiped discreetly at her eye.

Gazed at Ikari Shinji rubbernecking, sudden confusion setting his face in an awkward gawk. He rose, walked back to her.

"Ayanami? Why...why are you sitting back here?" He asked.

"I am well." Rei said.

"Oh. Well, don't you want to come up? Maejima's going nuts over her locket."

"I am fine here."

"You sat back here on Valentine's Day too."

She looked at him and regretted the sudden wave of nervousness she saw in his face. I make him nervous, she thought. Unacceptable.

"I did."

"I guess I'll leave you be-"

"No."

"Oh, 'kay." Shrugging and looking around as if oddly forgetting he was surrounded by chairs. Sheepishly, he sat down alongside her at the rear of the room. Out of the corner of her eye, Rei watched him. Watched him settle. Watched him relax and breathe easy. He couldn't do this at NERV, in a Plug. He couldn't do relaxing much at all, she noticed. It wasn't in him much as it wasn't in her, though the circumstances differed.

The happy nothings from the front of the room faded. She listened to the sound of the clock on the far wall and observed him. Soon realizing he, too, watched her with little trepidation.

And for a little while, that's what they did.

Rei watched him watching her.

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A/N: I know, it's Valentine's Day, not White Day, but this seemed so much more effective. Rei getting chocolate from a secret admirer just wouldn't work out. Girl'd would outright ignore it lest I really wanted to rev up the OOC. So, observation. It's something she does remarkably well, if ham-fistedly. Wait, that's just my poor writing.

**Mashadar's and Sideris's Alternate Ending!**

Rei carried few visible cues upon her face, having little need to express her thoughts. But from long observances, she knew the signs upon the Third's face. A sign that was rapidly becoming a prediction of a gale preceded by a red-headed stormfront.

"THIRD! Where's my chocolate?"

Rei sighed.


End file.
